The Parenting Bookshelf: The Whole-Brain Child

A new series reviewing parenting books

I first picked up a parenting book because I had no idea what I was doing and, as you know by now, the first thing I do when I don’t know something is read a book. And I fell deep into the rabbit hole. As I read, it became apparent that I was reading less for my kid and more for myself. I became focused on reparenting the child in me (which can be misleading because I read my first parenting book when I did, physically, have a child in me).

This is the start of another series you expressed interest in so I’m here to kick it off with our first parenting classic, The Whole-Brain Child. This series will be monthly—one post per month on a parenting book. The goal is to provide enough details about the book to help you decide if it would be worth reading for your situation.

The Whole-Brain Child

Written by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

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This is one of the most popular parenting books out there so chances are you’ve heard it even if you haven’t read it. As I read it, it was pretty easy to understand why it’s gained so much popularity. It breaks down that mystical, mysterious thing that is a child’s brain. If you’ve ever parented a child, I’m sure you’ve had a deer-in-headlights expression when you witness some of their behaviors. This book helps demystify and explain why these little beings can be so “irrational.”

Fun fact: a child’s brain is not fully developed until their mid-twenties!

I’ll preface this by saying I took Psychology 101 but it was a long time ago so while some terminology used in the book was familiar, I was coming at the material with pretty fresh eyes. Essentially, the authors break down our brain into four parts: the left brain, the right brain, the upstairs brain, and the downstairs brain. An experience where things are going swimmingly is when all parts of the brain are integrated; if any one part is out of whack, that’s when your child turns feral.

The book explains that when your whole brain is integrated (hence the name of the book), it will lead to a well-regulated child. Not all of the time, obviously, but one where the child has the tools to regain equilibrium.

The book simplifies your brain into four halves (this will make sense in a second):

• Left brain—loves order, logic, and sequence; likes the letter of the law

• Right brain—interprets non-verbal communication (body language, facial expressions, tone, etc.) and is the center of our intuition and instinct. Where the left brain is about black-and-white, the right brain dwells in grey / in the context

• Upstairs brain—analytical part of your brain that helps you make decisions, develops your empathy, and your higher-order thinking

• Downstairs brain—primitive; focuses on survival instinct and flight/fight/freeze. This part of your brain takes over when you’re angry or emotionally charged. Its urge is to protect you

Divided into six chapters, the first three introduce the fundamentals of why it’s important to learn about brain development when raising a human and how we can achieve horizontal integration (between the left and right brains) and vertical integration (between the upstairs and downstairs of the brain). The remaining three chapters, build on the first three by talking through concepts such as growth mindset, self-awareness, and empathy.

The strategies in the book are not all new (one of them is validating your child’s emotions and if you’ve been following gentle/respectful parenting, you know that it’s a pillar of that movement). Even so, I appreciate that it explains the biological reasons of why. The strategies new to me were very intriguing and, once I read them, became so obvious. One that stood out:

• “Name it to tame it” technique: here you tell your kid (or yourself) the story behind a deep-seated fear. Replaying the incident that generated the fear allows your brain to connect your visceral response to a logical, sequential story. Each repetition of the story lessens the fear because you can review it with a calmer, analytical mind.

• The basis for the “name it to tame it” technique is grounded in our neurons. Neurons are triggered when we experience something and they get linked to other neurons, firing at the same time, that are processing emotions and feelings. This is why certain songs transport you to different points in your life or when certain fragrances remind you of someone. Your neurons fired that experience and that feeling at the same time and now they’re intrinsically linked.

Overall, I felt this book was the perfect balance of providing straightforward strategies with some scientific background that demystifies why our kids behave the way they do and how we can help them reintegrate / become better regulated.

What I Loved

• This book is geared for kids from toddlerhood up to preteens. That being said, I feel the strategies will land much better with kids ages 5+

• If you don’t have time to read the book, jump to the end where you’ll find a detailed chart of strategies by age. It’s incredibly comprehensive and substantial enough that you could skip the book if you wanted (although you will miss out on the big picture of why whole-brain integration is valuable)

  • In addition to that, there’s an easy cheatsheet you can slap on your fridge

• It’s not too long of a read or listen (168 pages; ~6 hours of listening time)

• At the end of each chapter is a small summary of the ways you can help regulate yourself in the wild ride that is parenting

• The ✨gold✨ in this book is the last three chapters. The strategies espoused teach kids critical ways to be kind to themselves and others. Learning and developing these skills in childhood will serve them well into adulthood.

Where I Struggled

• If you choose to listen to the audiobook (my first time “reading” this book), you will miss some graphics that help explain the concepts. Reading the book (in print) helped me connect some concepts that otherwise eluded me during my listen.

• I no longer have the luxury of reading a book in one sitting so I read this book in 15-20 minute increments. That meant that I struggled to remember the differences between the upstairs/downstairs and left/right side of the brain. As the book covered strategies referencing these parts of the brain, I had a hard time distinguishing between them as they felt fairly similar to me.

• A small gripe: the authors created stylized phrases for what essentially amounts to a growth mindset, self-awareness, and empathy. Using different titles for these topics was confusing; for example, they refer to the “the me-we connection,” which is basically empathy. As someone whose brain is already fried much of the time, I would’ve loved it if they had kept it simple and used everyday language.

What I Learned

As I mentioned, I read these books for myself. Now, when I have a stress response, I can be more aware that I’ve descended into chaos or rigidity and can identify which part of my brain is “reacting.” It’s also made me recognize what might be happening to my kid and how she feels. When I’m in a thunderous torrent of rage, there is no appealing to my higher-order thinking. When I see my kid go through the same thing, I can genuinely empathize with her in that moment. It curbs my reactivity and lets me evaluate the situation with a cooler head (not always though!).

Reading this book also made me wonder if my brain stopped developing around my late teens. I have a long way to go before I would consider it “fully developed.” 😬

Additional Resources

• Here’s a podcast that explains how The Whole-Brain Child strategies relate to neurodivergence.

• The Whole-Brain Child Workbook* is a helpful guide to map out how these strategies apply to you and the kids in your life. I liked that there’s a balance between questions about your kid(s) and questions about yourself and how you approach things so it’s integrating (see what I did there?) between parent and kid.

Let’s Talk…

• Which parenting book should I cover next? Drop it in a comment!

• Have you read The Whole-Brain Child? Was it effective for your parenting situation?

*Thank you for using (at no additional cost to you) the affiliate links in this post! :-)