The Parenting Bookshelf: The Danish Way of Parenting

What the Happiest People in the World Know about Raising Confident, Capable Kids

Last year, my dear friend and I took our families (each with a toddler in tow) to visit Copenhagen for a week. Copenhagen was lovely but traveling there with two small kids was an interesting experience. To be clear, Copenhagen is a kid’s (and parent’s) dream come true. Just about anywhere you go, within a stone’s throw is a fantastic playground with intricate play structures. Some playgrounds have even catered to parents by having on-site cafes and seating. It seems like the Danes have cracked the code on the perfect balance of satisfying kids and their adults.

The part I found interesting was the serenity. Even amid a busy city—we were there in May, just as tourism was beginning to pick up for the season—the chaos was subdued. Here, “loud” was a thrum—the bustle of many lives coexisting—without any jagged, abrupt commotions. And this applied even to the children. The loudest children we encountered were our own. While our children screeched like pterodactyls, the same-aged Danish children looked on in quiet amusement.

On our first day, we all went to the playground situated in a beautiful park and my kid went berserk at these new, unknown play structures. Letting her do her thing, I took in my surroundings. The park was laid out into quadrants with the southeast quadrant home to the playground we were in. Just beyond the playground gates was a little ice cream cart. I watched as a mom and her two kids, a daughter who was maybe 5, and a younger son, about 2, made their way into the playground each toting an ice cream cone.

The young girl decided to hop on a foot with her cone. I don’t speak Danish but I do speak “Mom” and I could hear the mother’s gentle warning saying something along the lines of, “Be careful. You’ll drop your ice cream.“ The girl, naturally, ignored her mom, and well… I think you know what happened next. I could feel the anxiety pool in my stomach as I watched that big, melty orb plop onto the ground.

Unsurprisingly, the girl burst into tears and ran to her mum. The mother put her arm around the girl’s shoulder and whispered something to her. A few moments later, the mom moved away to help her son, all while licking her ice cream, and after a few moments, the girl resumed playing.

WTF JUST HAPPENED. I actually rubbed my eyes wondering if I was hallucinating from fatigue.

Even now, more than a year later, I revisit this scene often in my mind. Never in my life, until that point, had I witnessed anything like this:

• The little girl calmed down pretty darn fast (honestly, I’m not sure, as an adult, I would have been able to calm down like that)

• The mother didn’t share her ice cream or buy her another one

Side note: Whenever I relay this story to people, one of the first things people gasp about is that the mom didn’t give the daughter her ice cream. What is motherhood without a scoop of martyrdom on the side?

That night, after a particularly grueling bedtime, my friend and I stayed up late discussing what I had witnessed and trying to decode the secrets of Danish parenting. We researched blogs and forums. And then we came across the book I’ll be reviewing today.

Now, if you’re new around these parts, this was a series I started earlier this summer and, subsequently forgot about. 🫠 But we’re back, baby. Let’s get into this parenting read.

The Danish Way of Parenting

Written by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl

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Of the handful of facts I know about Denmark, the one that I can rattle off without thinking is that it’s consistently ranked as one of the happiest countries in the world. Once I was there, I could see how that happiness quotient translated to parenting as well. Apparently, when you feel supported by the government and society, the stress and burden of raising children is much less wearisome (who knew?).

The book is centered around a framework called PARENT: Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No ultimatums, Togetherness. Each chapter focuses on one of these elements and not only shares how they fit into the Danish purview of parenting but also provides research to support each pillar and tips to incorporate them into your own life. I’ll briefly outline each element in the framework:

• P is for Play: Encouraging lots of free play (where the child decides when and how to play) is not only a learning opportunity for kids but also allows their self-esteem to flourish.

• A is for Authenticity: Demonstrating “emotional honesty” as a parent shows your child that it is okay and normal to feel a full range of emotions and there is no need to disguise or pretend your negative feelings don’t exist.

• R is for Reframing: Taking a bad thing and turning it around with a reasonably optimistic outlook; it’s about looking at the whole picture rather than just focusing on the bad elements.

• E is for Empathy: Parents need to demonstrate empathy for their kids’ emotions to not only build connection but to teach kids how to be empathetic too.

• N is for No Ultimatums: By mutually respecting each other, parents and kids can foster trust in each other and in their relationship and navigate struggles with more compassion.

• T is for Togetherness: Bring hygge into your daily life to appreciate the good in life together multiplies feelings of contentment.

“Students from authoritative families were more likely than others to say that their parents, not their peers, would influence their decisions.”

Each chapter also outlines research and cultural points of differences between Denmark and the US to emphasize the points being made. I think nothing being shared here is earth-shattering but I did find it utterly fascinating to see it within the context of an entire culture and way of life. It moves it from being conceptual and didactic to a real-life possibility. Moreover, I think it’s always interesting to see how some of the same philosophies are described and practiced because you never know which perspective or process will work for you and the kids in your life.

What I Loved

First of all, I love that this book is short! We’re all busy and this book gets right into the information we need to start making changes. It’s such an easy read with the perfect blend of cultural nuance, anecdotes, and research.

For me, the Authenticity chapter particularly hit me in the gut. As a product of a culture that has historically used comparison to motivate kids, I am now swinging hard in the opposite direction. Not knowing exactly how to motivate without comparing, I found the tips in the book particularly helpful.

The Reframing chapter was also gold for me; I am notorious for leaning pessimistically but there’s a lot I appreciate about my life and there are certain ideas expressed here that particularly stood out to me: how to focus on the good rather than immediately focusing on the bad and strike a balance between being overly Pollyannaish or overly Scrooge-like. I’ve said this before, I primarily read parenting books for my own version of self-therapy and if it benefits my parenting, all the better!

Where I Struggled

There is a lot of comparison between Danish and American culture and two guesses at which is the better of the two according to the book. The introduction particularly felt sensationalist and almost shaming of American parenting. The tone softens as you keep reading and I did find myself agreeing with some of the critiques of American culture but that initial juxtaposition made me bristle and put me on guard.

What I Learned

I better understand how that girl collected herself so quickly; emotional resilience is at the very heart of the teachings Danish parents impart to their children. And if you’ve been around, you know that’s incredibly important to me (I wrote about it here).

Do I think adopting all the teachings of this book will magically solve all your parenting woes? I think if it did that, they would be handing it out like candy at pediatricians’ offices around the world. So, no, I don’t think it’s a magic bullet. But I do think it’s very telling that there’s a very humanistic approach to child-rearing and it’s so cultural. While it did give me some good ideas, I think it really opened up my mind instead to how culture impacts how we parent and that’s something worth thinking about.

Let’s Talk…

• How would you describe the parenting culture in your corner of the world?

• If you’ve been to Copenhagen, did you have the same observations of the kids and parenting styles?

*Thank you for using (at no additional cost to you) the affiliate links in this post! :-)