I recently came across
’s, who writes Letters from a Muslim Woman, post on being asked “Where are you from?” To paraphrase her lovely article, it’s about the feelings a question like this can elicit in a person of color in a white country (in her case, Canada). The timing couldn’t have been more perfect since I was already working on compiling a list of my favorite books highlighting the multicultural experience.It’s a charged question. Some welcome it with open arms while some find it othering, with undertones of “you’re from somewhere just not here.” It’s a question pretty much everyone has asked and been asked at some point in time. And yet everyone receives this question differently.
Many years ago, I was in Italy with a dear friend who is American, born and raised, and of Korean descent. We were at a bar and began chatting with a group sitting next to us. One of the men in the group asked her: “Where are you from?” Her American-accented response was short and clipped: “I’m from America.” He persisted: “No, where are you really from?” and she repeated herself. Knowing this could become a circular conversation and that her temper was rising, I interjected and we changed the subject. (Honestly, it was a lot like this hilarious video which was a hit a decade—how has it been a decade?!—ago).
I very rarely get bothered by this question. It’s a way for me to share a piece of myself and my history. It opens the door to meaningful conversations about how others have experienced my culture and heritage (I love it when people tell me they love Indian food). I’ve always found that the heart of the question is usually well-intentioned. Asked in the right way (not with hostility), I view it as someone’s genuine curiosity and eagerness to connect. It’s a way to say, Hey, look, I’m curious and want to learn more about you and share what I know!
Sometimes I do get tired of answering, wondering when, if, I’ll ever be American enough to not invite the question. Interestingly, I’m being asked the question less and less often. As America becomes more pluralistic people have begun differentiating not by color of skin but by accent. I think there’s also a growing awareness that this question may be construed as insensitive.
Sometimes it’s the way someone responds when someone tells them where they’re from that can be problematic. I mentally grimace when someone draws a very shaky, squiggly, convoluted line between where someone’s from and their own experience (“Oh, you’re from Italy? My grandmother is from Ireland! I’m one-eighth European.”). Mingling two distinct, separate points for the sake of making a connection is stretching it.
Here’s the kicker: You would think, as someone who has been asked this question my whole life, I would know better than to fall into the pitfalls of insensitive questioning. The truth is though that I’m just as guilty of committing the sins of asking this question insensitively. I cringe (nay, eviscerate myself) when I recollect the way I initiated this conversation with others in the past.
Learning from my own experience as both the initiator and recipient of this conversation, here are a few ways I’ve come up with to broach this topic respectfully:
Don’t ask this question in your very first exchange with someone
Share information about yourself and make it a conversation where you’re getting to know each other mutually
If someone says they are from place X, believe them
This question should be a blip in the overall discussion you have; the conversation shouldn’t be centered around this question
What’s your take on this question? How do you ask it? How do you receive it?
My Heart Beats
Written by Rina Singh and Illustrated by
Recommended Ages: 1-3 years old
At the heart of this sweet board book is the message that even though we may speak in different tongues, look different, or do things differently, the strong love we feel for our babies is undeniably the same. The rhyming verse takes you through photographs of babies of different ethnicities and shares how various languages and cultures use different sounds to describe a heartbeat. But no matter how the heartbeat is described, it’s the sound of love.
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Round Is A Mooncake
Written by Roseanne Thong and Illustrated by Grace Lin
Recommended Ages: 2-5 years old
This rhyming book focuses on teaching kids about shapes but within the context of two different cultures. A young Chinese-American girl observes all the shapes in her life and they’re often a mix of Western and Asian items. For example, she observes the square pizza boxes and the square container that has dim sum. If you’re familiar with Grace Lin’s work, you’ll immediately recognize her colorful gouache artwork with its distinct pattern style. I loved the duality presented in this book—how perfectly normal it is for this young girl’s two identities to coexist and meld seamlessly. Typical for most people who identify with many different cultures!
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A Ride On Mother’s Back
Written by Emery Bernhard and Illustrated by Durga Bernhard
Recommended Ages: 4-7 years old (but I think you can share at toddler age too)
There’s so much to love about this book! Each page shows how different cultures across the world baby/toddler-carry and provides a glimpse into their daily routine. The muted, soft illustrations will draw you in with the vivid imagery and detailed work of different landscapes and diverse communities. The text is informative and suited to older kids. Having said that, I’d buy it for toddlers and talk through the illustrations with them. When they’re older, they’ll enjoy learning how adults keep their beautiful babies close by as they go about their day.
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The Sandwich Swap
Written by Queen Rania Al Abdullah and Kelly DiPucchio and Illustrated by Tricia Tusa
Recommended Ages: 4-7 years old
If you ever brought ethnic food with you to school, boy will this hit close to home. I know I certainly had moments where I seriously contemplated skipping the school cafeteria and eating my Indian lunch, lovingly prepared by my mom, in a private place where I could enjoy it without feeling embarrassed. Lily and Salma are best friends who spend every lunchtime together. Lily brings a PBJ sandwich for lunch and Salma brings a hummus sandwich. Neither ever says it aloud, but each pity the other for bringing in such a “sad” lunch. Then one day, Lily lets Salma know how she feels about Salma’s hummus sandwich and all hell breaks loose. Inspired by an incident Queen Rania of Jordan experienced in her childhood, this is something that will resonate with anyone who has ever brought food to school that’s “different” from the norm. What I loved about this is that although the girls need to learn that just because things are different, doesn’t mean they’re wrong, they don’t feel any shame over what they’re eating. Tricia Tusa’s gorgeous pencil and watercolor artwork brings these characters and their friendship to life. The last pages especially are a chef’s kiss to her talent.
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Nana, Nenek, and Nina
Written and Illustrated by Liza Ferneyhough
Recommended Ages: 4-8 years old
Like so many kids today, Nina has a multicultural heritage. Her dad is from England and her mom is from Malaysia. This means she calls her two grandmothers Nana (England) and Nenek (Malaysia). Living in San Francisco, Nina has a long trip ahead of her when visiting either one of her grandmothers. The lovely, warmly hued illustrations show, side by side, how the visit to her English grandmother compares to her Malaysian one. It’s fun to see each scene but kids will observe that things are mostly the same—just the details are a little different. Love, whether it’s in Malaysia or England, is very much the same.
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How My Parents Learned To Eat
Written by Ina R. Friedman and Illustrated by Allen Say
Recommended Ages: 6-9 years old
This is the book that sparked my love for learning about other cultures. Nowadays, everyone is more or less comfortable eating with chopsticks or their hands. But back in my time (😜), it wasn’t that common. If you knew how to eat in these “other” ways it meant you were either from that culture, had lived in that country, or were trying to impress someone. In the case of this book, it’s a little bit of all three. A young girl, half Japanese and half white American, recounts the story of how her parents each tried to impress the other by learning how the other ate. We see a young Japanese woman trying to learn how to eat using Western cutlery; meanwhile, the American man is trying to figure out chopsticks. The dreamy, soft pencil illustrations will transport you straight to Japan. A wonderful book to demonstrate the cultural nuances of something as simple as the way we eat and how much it can mean to us when someone is willing to learn something new on our behalf.
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My Papi Has A Motorcycle
Written by Isabel Quintero and Illustrated by Zeke Peña
Recommended Ages: 6-10 years old
Daisy loves riding on the back of her Papi’s motorcycle. They zoom through town passing by their favorite spots, saying hi to their neighbors, and generally observing how their city has changed and yet, is still very much the same. There’s so much to love in this book—an ode to community and the love between father and daughter. I appreciated the Author’s Note at the back of this book—it considers how so many of the cities and communities we live in are built by immigrant and minority populations and you see that subtle message throughout this lovely book. The illustrations are romantic and dreamy and it feels like you’re viewing them through the nostalgic haze of rose-tinted glasses. This book is a lovesong for family—be they people or places.
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❓Tell me…
Have you ever been asked where you are from? How did it feel? How did you respond?
Have you ever asked someone where they were from? How did it go?
What question have you been asked that’s turned you off?
“Sometimes I do get tired of answering, wondering when, if, I’ll ever be American enough to not invite the question.” So so powerful. Thank you for sharing.
Yesterday, someone asked me where I’m from. And then when I said Louisiana they asked “but why don’t you have an accent?” lol
I could never understand why people get upset with this question..but then, I grew up in the West Indies, the Caribbean, and we loooove to talk. We love to talk about our country, our people, our food. So when a foreigner asks me, I talk, and it doesn’t matter how they try to make a connection, just enjoy it. Ask questions. Share.